Cracking Up

I haven't been quite well lately. Head-aches, giddyness, not to mention my old friend, anxiety panic attacks. ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I'm tired of this so-called disorder. When will it ever go away???!!???

My being with only the kids doesn't help either. No, don't get me wrong. I love them dearly. They mean the world to me. But a very active toddler and a very 'suka menjawab' preschooler can easily drive any moms straight to the wall. For the past 5 days, my other half has been in Florida. Got some machine issues to settle in a nuclear plant over there. I know he's terribly busy, so I don't like to call him whenever he's away on a job. I just wait for his phone calls. And when he did call, I only mention about the nice things..I don't want to add to his list of things to worry.

But the main thing that'is making me crazy is about my customer. You see, I've been doing a design job for a state-body of Johor. (I shall not name it, but those who knows me personally should know this so-called tradition cultural heritage body..blrughh). That project has been carried over since AUGUST 2007!!!! I've done my part of designing and type-setting since then. Basically it's 95% ready. Only things missing are an article of a very important person in Johor's history, the Foreward, and the blurbs of the book. And mind you, I've been chasing for this materials since AUGUST 2007!!!! A 'so-called' very important Profesor Datuk from a well-known university in Malaysia is in-charged of this thing. That book was supposed to be launched on Merdeka Day 2007 (in celebration of Malaysia's 50th ID), but the Datuk asked it to be postponed saying that for once he don't want the launching ceremony to be 'menempel' in other celebration. Said he wanted to have a gallant launching of its own. So, it was post-poned to sometime in December 2007, to be held during UMNO's meeting in Johor. But then, it was cancelled AGAIN, because the Prof Datuk had to attend a convention in Jakarta, so none of the remaining materials needed was ready.

Anyhow, I still chased him. So, finally in FEBRUARY 2008, Prof Datuk came down to Johor and together with 2 other editors they camped in M-Suite, supposedly to complete the job. But then, dear Prof Datuk told us that he had lost the pen-drive that kept the material. ARGHH... He was supposed to write them back again and give them to me over the weekend. But STILL, later, before he went back to Kuala Lumpur..he said he would e-mailed me. So there I was, waiting and waiting, chasing and emailing him for the materials. But dear Prof Datuk was all over the world, Egypt, London, conventions here and there. ARGHHH...up until August 2008, (ONE YEAR LATER!!!), I was still chasing that guy!!! Oh..I did asked the other 2 editors to follow up too. But then they shoved the job back to me. "Intan aje laa yang follow-up, nanti apa kata Datuk kalau ramai sangat kejar" ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So, as I've blogged before, my hubby came to US in June 2008. I HAD TO POSTPONE MY TRIP UNTIL MID-AUGUST 2008 BECAUSE I HAD TO COMPLETE ANOTHER 2 BOOKS FOR THEM. So, when I have delivered the books safely (all 3000 copies of them), I asked one of the editors about that particular post-poned book, and he said "It's ok..biarkan aje. You just go to US and enjoy yourself, your job is finished for this year."

BUT last Monday, the same person called me and kecoh-kecoh, "We have to print the book this year!!! SUK dah bising, kalau tak peruntukan kena tarik balik. Prof Datuk akan datang JB 8 Nov untuk suntingan terakhir". I was like..."WTF man!!!! How can I possibly do the printing when my body is over here in US, and I won't be back in Malaysia till at least after Christmas 2008???" Now..bila SUK dah bising, baru semua orang gabra. And the other editor was saying "You just emailed us your copy of settings, and we'll ask other printer to print." Again, WTF!!!! I spent lots of energy and time designing and laying out the settings for the book, not to mention the editing of the texts and touching up of the images. And here he was, senang-senang cakap nak amik all my hard-work and ask other people to print??? Then the other printer will get all the money lah! WTF WTF!!!

Now now....pardon me for the language, but I am really pissed right now. For those who don't know the real situation, it would seem that I'm the guilty party here. This would be the perfect chance for my other rivalries to condemn my company. Yeah..as small as it is, my company does have rivalries..big companies who feel threatened by my presence. Shit..I'm just a one-woman company. I am the boss as well as the kuli. I'm a home-based company. But yet, I can deliver something big. You see, I treat every job like my own baby. I start from scratch, slowly designing and building it up to be something significant. I check my text word by word, I go by my design layer after layer. Hence all my jobs are almost perfect, and that is the winning point of my company. Giving customers top quality products is my priority. As I'm the only one in the company, I look after every stage myself, from designing to setting, to film layout to printing. Of course the printing is done by my dad's friend (we have an agreement on this), but I'm there all the way throughout the process. So far, I know I've done my old man proud (I took over the company when he died 4 years ago).

I've dealt with some issues before. Rivalries, jealousies, back-stabbing, design stealing, even black magic ok. Many times, I felt like giving up. But whenever I close my eyes, I would see my Dad, his smile, his words of encouragement telling me not to give up, telling me that I can pull this off, telling me that I'm his daughter, and as his daughter, I should be as tough as he was. But this current episode is really tearing me apart. I really feel like giving up the business. I'm tired of dealing with these kind of people. I'm tired of condemning and back-stabbing. I'm tired of giving my best and having zero in return.

And my anxiety disorder is making this worst. I really feel like cracking up right now. Sorry for my ramblings..just bear with me ok. I'm trying to ignore this feeling of frustation. I will tell them to choose 1 out of 2. Either they'll wait for me to come home, or they can give the job to other printer but they have to start from scratch. I'm not giving up my designs to them. I don't care if the SUK will give them wrath. As far as I'm concern, they can go to hell! $@%%&@#&%@^#$@%^

ARGHHHHH....